Guardians of the Galaxy (The Milky Way To Be Specific)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

An amazing sci-fi saga took place. This is not about that saga though, this is about Guardians of the Galaxy which is set in our own galaxy, the Milky Way but somehow contains interesting alien species, cool spaceships, and freaking blasters. However, you don't question things like this in a fictional universe that contains a man who regularly turns into a hulking rage monster but never rips his pants because of the power of modesty.

HULK DECENT!

Now, as anyone who's read this blog can tell you, I tend to write about comic books and superheroes quite a lot. I grew up with comics and superhero cartoons, and a lot of my favourite movies are superhero movies.

That said, I have never read a Guardians of the Galaxy comic, ever. I mean, I recognise one or two of the characters from crossover appearances, like the squirrel with the bazooka and the green girl from Star Trek, but I have never read an actual comic of their galactic exploits. So, I have little to no idea what Guardians of the Galaxy is really gonna be about, aside from containing wisecracks, space battles, and explosions, not necessarily in that order.

And making the Guardians of the Galaxy movie was a bit of a gamble for Marvel Studios considering it is one of their lesser known brands and doesn't have superheroes with bright costumes in it. Also, one of the few other times someone decided to adapt one of Marvel's lesser known non-superhero franchises, bad things happened.

This sort of bad.

However, in the week since it got released, the movie has actually received rave reviews with a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (none of which I've read) and such massive fan hype surrounding it, that it has become a joke that someone would not like it. And in all seriousness, how could you not like it? It's got wisecracks, space battles, and explosions, possibly in that order.

The hows and why have been lost to us in the passage of time, but here stands proof that at a point in our distant history during the Age of Facebook, someone disliked Guardians of the Galaxy. 

And I'm gonna see it. But due to my aforementioned limit knowledge of what the Qwarkians of the Galaxy even do, I don't really know what expect, aside from wisecracks, space battles, and explosions happening in that order. Therefore, I decided to rewatch the trailer for the film and try to figure out what the movie might be about.

I think everyone has seen the trailer, but just in case you didn't because the hole in which you live didn't have the internet until this very moment so you could read my article, here it is.

The trailer opens with an unknown dude who standing in front of ruin that looks like a leftover from that one Alien Vs Predator movie when there's a pyramid or something... nevermind, the point is that that movie is terrible. Seriously, don't watch it.

Off to a good start, reminding me of a movie that is objectively awful and shat on two movie franchises simultaneously.

But then we cut to unknown dude, who I'm gonna hazard a guess is our protagonist, inside the pyramid of dead franchises, as he shakes a glow orb to give some light before he engages in some Indiana Jones-style archaeological shenanigans accompanied by Inception bwah sounds.

"Shit. I forgot my space whip."

Space Indiana promptly gets caught by guards as soon as he takes the floating treasure thing from the place where it was floating peacefully minding it's own business. And here's where we get our first bit of wisecracking, as Space Indiana cockily introduces himself as Star Lord, hoping to strike terror and recognition in the hearts of his captors... But they have no idea who he is, leading him to quip, "I'm Star Lord, man... legendary outlaw? Forget it."

And then following the obligatory Marvel logo, we get the line up. Which actually is a clever way to introduce your characters without them actually doing anything but still have people talk about them. With John C. Reilly giving more exposition than when Joseph Gordon-Lewitt schooled Ellen Page, in a way that should seem lazy but comes off as smart and funny.

"Nah, I can't let you touch it, that would defeat the purpose. See only I know the balance and weight of this particular loaded die. That way when you look at your totem, you know beyond a doubt you're not in someone else's dream."
-Guardians of the Galaxy dialogue, probably

After running through what character archetypes we will see in the film, we see Star Solo gets upset when one of the guards is fiddling with his Walkman, because apparently people still have those in space, as the sounds of "Hooked on a Feeling" fill the air.

As soon as the drum kicks hit, we get a shit tonne of action shots with aliens yelling and running towards and away from things, Rocky Racoon shooting a machine gun while he's climbing the tree, a gratuitous topless shot of the Han Lord followed by an equally gratuitous shot of green Star Trek lady, Draxter killing dudes with a a blade-thingy, lots of explosions and space battles. This all before cutting back to John C. Reilly saying they call themselves the 'Guardians of the Galaxy' and the other guard calling them assholes.

Pictured: Assholes.

So, obviously this movie is about Indiana Solo Lord and green Trekkie girl having to shoot a porn video while the rest of the Guardians guard the set from being invasion by horny aliens with the 'kill anything that moves' defensive strategy.

The treasure thing from the beginning was the key to open the set door and the space battles are the other aliens trying to stop them from getting to the set because they oppose inter-species sexual relations.

However, the expert placing of her braid of hair so her nipple doesn't slip indicates that the sex scene might be softcore.

I will be judging the movie based on the expectations and speculations made above and will be bitterly disappointed if it differs in any way.

Because some of us still remember the last time they gave one of Marvel's cute anthropomorphic woodland creatures a big gun in a movie.

I'm just gonna leave this up here.

Surely, Guardians of the Galaxy couldn't hope to be better than the cinematic masterpiece that is Howard the Duck?

That's crazy talk.


References:

Guardians of the Galaxy Rotten Tomatoes