Indiana Jones and the Authentic Indian Cuisine of Pankot Palace

Are you planning an exotic journey to that mystical land of Hinduism and sacred cows, India? Then during your stay, please come and enjoy the very best of Indian cuisine at the exquisite Pankot Palace. This beautifully restored Palace is located in North India, just past the nearby village of Mayapore, which is filled with authentically starving and superstitious villagers.

Feel the sense of colonial power which can only be truly experienced when a village of malnourished natives revere you like a god because it looks as though you ate in the last week.

"Maybe if we crowd them, they'll give us some food or at least treat us as something other than stereotypes to be saved." - Superstitious starving villager #6.

Important Notice: A warning though, the spiritual leader of the village may attempt charge you with a perilous quest to return the village's sacred Sivalinga stone which he will alleged was stolen by the village and is kept on Palace premises. This is a fraudulent and baseless accusation he has made several times with little proof more than vague shamanism and the eyewitness accounts of starving natives, who were in all probability most likely hallucinating from hunger.

Pictured: Fraud.
 Not pictured: The good spiritual leader of a desperate people in need.

From Mayapore, you will be able to take the pleasurable and exciting elephant ride to the Palace. Elephants are well known for being the biggest land mammal on the planet and are the number one mode of transportation by the local population in India.

Each elephant comes with its own guide and only takes diesel.

Upon your arrival at the Pankot Palace, you will be graciously welcomed by our friendly staff and no less than the Prime Minister of Pankot Palace, and representative of the Maharajah himself, Chattar Lal.

"Welcome, welcome. Please ignore the murderous cult underneath the Palace."

In regards to the menu, the Palace is renowned the world over for its 100% authentic and totally-not-made-up-bullshit traditional Indian cuisine. With dishes steeped in the vibrant culture and rich heritage of the land, Pankot Palace boasts one of the most impressive Indian restaurants in the world.

Foregoing the largely vegetarian meals that the naive traveler might think are largely embraced by Indian and Hindu people, the Palace's restaurant instead features predominantly carnivorous courses. These extravagant dishes are designed with the sole purpose of shocking the sensitivities of white people by their sheer peculiarity and apparent barbarism.

One of the chef's specialties is a hearty helping of Coiled Wrigglies, a delicious dish sure to induce equal amounts of excitement and squeamishness.

In a matter of seconds one patron shall be overcome with excitement while the other will shriek in terror.
Both reactions will please the chef. He's odd like that.

The snake is a boa constrictor heavenly boiled and stuffed with a special treat, which is why the dish is also known by the alias, Snake Surprise.

The surprise is eels, because of course it is.

Following Coiled Wrigglies (or Snake Surprise), is Crispy Coleoptera, described by the chef as, "Fresh beetles, still in the shell, bursting with meltingly delectable innards." The beetles are boiled alive to lock in flavour and are best enjoyed by accompanying each bite with loud slurping noises and belching.

Mmm, finger-licking good.

Catering for those with a more sensitive palate, if the spices in Crispy Coleoptera are a little too exotic for your liking, you can always have Soup of the Head as an alternative. This thick broth is made from various parts of a sheep's head and has a rich aroma that is truly irresistible.

The eyeballs add flavour.

For the dessert, the Palace boasts the chef's pièce de résistance, Primate Parfait.

It is so undeniably delicious, one could blown one's top. Well, a monkey's.

This delicacy is lovingly presented, consisting of chilled monkey's brain served within the open head of the primate whose grey matter you will soon be digesting. Much like caviar but less salty, Primate Parfait is sure to tantalize the taste-buds and provide a satisfactory conclusion to a wonderful meal.

Photos of guests reactions to the courses are available for purchase at the gift shop upon your departure.

Following the meal, should you wish to enjoy the hospitality of the Palace a little longer, entertainment will be provided by the delightfully barbaric Thuggee cult. Marvel as they perform a human sacrifice to the Hindi god Kali (who never asked for a sacrifice since that's not really her thing).

Watch in amazement as the Head Priest of the Thuggee literally reaches into a man's chest and pulls out his still-beating heart.

Which will then burst into fire! The pyrotechnic team put a lot of effort on that one.

Furthermore, among the many facilities available at the Pankot Palace is the always thrilling mine cart ride, which is sure to set a few hearts thumping, if not a-flaming.

Pankot Palace accepts no responsibility for any injury sustained on the ride while being chased by the Thuggee cult.
Patrons with heart conditions or who are pregnant may not permitted on the ride due to health concerns.


Once the mine cart ride is over, you can enjoy the tranquil and scenic walk across the rope bridge that transverses the gorge.

Although old and rickety, the bridge routinely passes its safety inspections.

In addition to the beautiful natural sights before you, the river below is bursting with wild life, most notably crocodiles.

Don't mind the screams. It's only feeding time.

Fear not about the Thuggee cult if they are still pursuing you and shooting arrows in your general direction, the British Indian Army will come at the last moment to save you and show those heathens what for.

You can tell that these are good Indians because they are wearing blue and have guns. The bad ones wear red and have bows.
The blue ones also have a white guy in charge, because racism.

We at the Pankot Palace really hope you decided to come to our establishment and enjoy the most authentic Indian experience in India, lacking any of that boring 'real' Indian culture but instead bursting to the seams with adventure, shock value, and cultural indifference.

Bookings available now!


References-

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom Wikipedia entry

Kali Wikipedia entry

Indiana Jones Wiki Dinner Scene

Shashi Tadoor on Temple of Doom and its problematic depiction of Indian culture

They're Superheroes, What's the Worst That Could Happen?

"Where are they now? They are living among us. Average citizens, average heroes, quietly and anonymously continuing to make the world a better place." 

Everyone remembers those stoic words intoned at the end of the newsreel announcing the end of the Super Era with the passing of the Superhero Relocation Program. 

Facing mounting public pressure and a seemingly endless battle in the courts against lawsuits from people the Supers kind of wished they hadn't have saved, the government caved and put the Supers into hiding.

Ah, the halcyon days of 2008, when New Spandex was considered a modern miracle.

Which we all know now was a terrible, terrible idea. For although the Supers were forced into early quiet retirement and forbidden from using their powers, this was not really the case for Super Villains who, already on the wrong side of the law, took the absence of the Supers with villainous glee.

Or alternatively, French smugness.

Following the relocation of the Supers, crime rates spiked while Superhero sightings dropped to all time lows. Although some Villains such as Bomb Voyage (pictured above) did retire due to the scarcity of worthy adversaries to test their villainy, most continued their evil ways unabated.

Ex-villain. Current profession: Street side entertainer/scarer of chidren.

Subsequently, law enforcement officials the world over, lacking the fundamental tool for fighting Super Villains (namely super powers), had their resources stretched to the limit.

It was much better when Elastigirl did all the stretching.

With the police offering little to no resistance, Super Villains such Baron von Ruthless went on vicious crime sprees that ravaged cities. At one point, The Red Menace, who survived his airborn collision with Captain Capitalist, essentially held Newtropolis at ransom. This cost the city millions in taxpayers dollars to subdue the master criminal, leading some to criticise the Superhero Relocation Program with a slight resurgence in support for Supers still in hiding.

This resurgence in support for the return of the Supers has gained even more momentum in light of the events of last month, now referred to as the Syndrome Incident. Buddy Pine, noted technology entrepreneur and a delusional ex-fan of Mr. Incredible, as his alter-ego Syndrome unleashed a giant robot on the city in a foiled attempt to gain public support as a superhero by defeating said giant robot, known as a Omnidroid.

Yes. This man tried to convince the general public he was a superhero and totally not evil.

Luckily for the citizens of Newtropolis, Syndrome's plan was foiled by what appeared to be a new family of Supers dressed in bold red attire, that bears the hallmarks of the distinctive work by that fashion guru for Supers, Edna Mode. 

Fashion genius at work.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the father and mother of the superhero family appear to be Mr. Incredible, famed hero and the first Super to be sued, and Elastigirl, noted feminist Super. This has led many commentators to conclude that the young speedster and teenage girl who generated force-fields to be their children. Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl were often rumored to be Super power couple by gossip magazines, such as the now-defunct Superhero Weekly. Furthermore, in his last interview before the lawsuits ensued, Mr. Incredible entertained the notion of settling down and starting a family. It seems likely that he got his wish while in the Relocation Program.  

Are these two former Supers now a married couple with a family of Supers?

While police have not issued a statement as of yet, eyewitness accounts and several amateur photos taken by members of the public also place former ice-powered hero, Frozone at the scene. This seems to be confirmed as the lake in the middle of the city is currently covered in ice, despite the high summer temperatures on the day of the Syndrome Incident.

This is an unverified photo of the chilled former Super in action on the scene.

The great success of the family of Supers, unofficially dubbed The Incredibles, in thwarting Syndrome's scheme and destroying the Omnidroid has caused many politicians to reconsider public opinion regarding the Superhero Relocation Program, with calls to revoke the program.

And all it took was a giant robot of death.

If the program is revoked, the Supers may be able to come out of hiding and resume hero work, although this may cause numerous legislative and procedural issues. Regardless, Supers United, a lobby group of opponents of the Superhero Relocation Program started by the late Simon J. Paladino, alias Gazerbeam, seems to be using The Incredibles as figureheads for a push for Supers to come out of hiding. Public opinion seems to be shifting too but it remains to be seen if the program will indeed be revoked in the future.

With this super family anything is possible, especially photogenic publicity shots.

Links:

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References-

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317705/quotes
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Incredibles

http://m.au.ign.com/articles/2004/11/05/an-incredible-story

Wolverine and Intangible Girl! Wolverine and Sparkles! Wolverine and,uh, Tooth-Girl?

Wolverine is possibly the most over-saturated superhero in history, appearing in dozens of comic titles (usually in several simultaneously), a number of television shows, quite a few video games, four X-Men movies (not to mention his two solo films), and this blog.

"I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do best is shamelessly cash-in."

Wolverine's initial appeal could be attributed to the mystery surrounding the character. No one, not even Wolverine, knew anything about his past, aside from the fact that it was violent and scarring. Similarly, the character was unformed and bits were added to his mythology as he went along (although this at times was to the detriment of his appeal due to boring explanations and an over-examination of his past which removed the mystique). For instance, his claws were initially thought to be attached to his gloves before being revealed as part of his skeleton while his original comic book appearance was supposed to be a one off as a disposable minor villain to fight the Hulk in one issue and be promptly forgotten.

The Hulk is like, "The fuck?"

A significant part of his huge popularity is that Wolverine has always had a reputation for being a tough guy even though he routinely gets his ass handed to him, like the time he was ripped in half by the Hulk, who always held a grudge against him for using his comic as a springboard for bigger success and fame,

"Hulk told him to split!" - The Hulk

Or that time he forgot that he had adamatium covering his entire skeleton and decided to go up against Magneto, the Master of Magnetism, who can, you know, control metal...

So... that turned out pretty much as well as could have been expected.

Or when his nuts got blown off by the Punisher, who has no powers aside from being able to shoot guns and not give a fuck,

He didn't even do anything to Wolverine's face. It just jumped off when he got shot in the groin.

And we all remember that time he got taken out by Spock,

I think you might have lost at badassery when Spock is more hardcore than you and takes you out with a Vulcan pinch.

Irrespective of whether or not Wolverine deserves his reputation as a badass, this is not the most incongruous aspect of his character and widespread popularity. Despite being close to two hundred years old, possessing six inch claws that extend out his hands, recognised as a known killer prone to beserker rages and psychotic fits due to the considerable tampering with his memories and the mental trauma he has sustained over his his really, really long life, none of the other X-Men think it is weird that Wolverine keeps hanging out with spunky prepubescent girls.

"I see no reason not to let this man look after 12-16 year old girls still coming to terms with their new-found powers and the growing pains of puberty." - Professor Charles Xavier

This trend of partnering Wolverine with a quipping teenage girl began with the mini-series Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, which set the precedent for pairing the gruff cigar-smoking homicidal loner with bubbling and awkward young girls in the best buddy cop tradition.

At this point, it is unclear that Wolverine was even aware that Kitty's power is to become intangible, he just really wanted to stab that guy and she was in the way. Perfect mentoring technique.

To be fair, some of the girls need direction and Wolverine's rugged approach does seem to toughen them up and set them on their way, or at the very least let them settle on a superhero name and costume,

Kitty had some identity issues, going from Sprite to Ariel, then back to Sprite before settling on the name, Shadowcat. She also had terrible dress sense but Wolverine's Mentorship Program soon sorted all that.

 
During the Nineties, Wolverine needed a foil that embodied the youth of the time, so he hung out with Jubilee since her sparkling powers, skater/Californian girl talk, and tendency to be continually chewing bubblegum were emblematic of the decade.

Two out of three of her character traits are displayed here.

Since they relegated Shadowcat to bit parts in the first two X-Men movies, her function as chirpy sidekick to Wolverine was occupied by Rogue,

"Oh. My. God. I  had the sudden realisation that I am just a huge perv and my relationship with these young girls is rather inappropriate."

Meanwhile in Joss Whedon's Astonishing X-Men, Kitty is all grown up and pretty badass herself, so Wolverine takes Armour under his claw,

Aw, look! He threatened to endanger her life. How adorable.

And then, in a moment of clarity so stark that people could not believe that it had not been done before, it was decided that since Wolverine needs a young female sidekick to mentor, and that the only thing better than Wolverine is more Wolverine, his next sidekick should be the teen girl version of Wolverine.

Therefore, X-23 is essentially Wolverine with boobs, complete with an animal-like nature, severe mental trauma due to Weapon X tampering, a killer instinct, and a set of kitchen knives extending out of her hands.

She only gets two because her hands are smaller, I guess?

And it's not like the girls are the only ones that get something out of this mentorship program, Wolverine too gains something very special from the young girls he looks after,

A comedic foil for his double act.

Pure comedy adamantium.



References-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolverine_(comics)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Pryde_and_Wolverine
http://www.cracked.com/article_16403_the-7-most-hilariously-mismatched-superhero-battles.html (see entry #2)
http://www.cracked.com/article_18785_6-comic-book-crossovers-you-wont-believe-actually-happened.html (see entry #3)

Fellowship Assemble! Or: We All Know Gandalf Dropped the Palantír On This One

It is a dark time for Middle Earth (mostly because they hadn't lit the lanterns yet) as orcs roam freely throughout the land, doing orc things like waving swords in a vaguely threatening manner while setting fires. Evil is stirring from its afternoon nap, while whispers grow about the resell value of one specific piece of jewelry.

"How much can I get for this on Ebay?"

In order to combat the growing demand for simple unadorned gold rings, the Council of Elrond, led by the elf lord, Elrond,

"Why yes, I am fabulous. Please, do go on."

Elect to destroy the One Ring to eliminate the horror of an online auction and save the free peoples of Middle-Earth from ring-wielding tyrants.

To carry out this mission of jewelry disposal, the Council decides to put together a select task force comprising of a small number (nine sounds good) of members with unique talents. These talents will allow them to transverse thousands of miles on foot while fighting entire armies and fending off sniffing Dementors on horses in the face of hopeless, yet somehow still favourable, odds to eventually cast a tiny band of gold into a giant volcano, because although subtlety was considered as a method for disposal it was swiftly discarded.

Subtlety.

To be fair, the Council did considered other means to avert ring-related disaster, such as distraction by a 1970s animated film with a badass poster:

"Yes, the sword is a practical size. What do you mean 'overcompensating'? Uh... Look at that over there!"

But ultimately they went with the 'send a ragtag party of strangers from different species to hopefully somehow be able to get into the as-far-as-we-know impenetrable land of Mordor (guarded by thousands of orcs, one real big-ass spider, barricaded by giant gates that need trolls, yes trolls, to open them, and is watched over at all times by a huge flaming eye), then by some miracle sneak without detection to the exploding volcano to cast the the ring into the fire' plan.

Charged with carrying the surprisingly heavy piece of jewelry is Frodo the Ring-bearer.

"Who? Me?"

While leading the party is Gandalf the Grey- powerful wizard, member of the White Council, fire-work manufacturer, and pipe-smoker extraordinaire,

Bilbo is like, "Damn, this is some good shit... Also, nice smoke boat."

Aragon- Ranger of the North, skilled swordsman and tracker, king in hiding,

"I'm secretly a king. Shh, don't tell anybody."

Legolas- Elf prince, archer par excellence, acrobat, good listener,

"The hills are alive with the sound of dying orcs!"

Gimli- Dwarf, Scottish accented axe-wielder, 

"You can never have too many axes."

Boromir- Son of the Steward, Captain of Gondor, blower of trumpets,

"I'll just toot my own horn. Maybe if I do it silently nobody will notice."

And three halflings skilled in farming or something,

"Why are we even here?"- Sam

Together, this group of nine companions form the Fellowship of the Ring and set out to save Middle-Earth from the onslaught of a world of slavery to ring-wearing dark lords.

There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could dispose of the jewelry we never could.

Fellowship Assemble!

Or, you know, Gandalf could have prevented this whole thing from ever happening during the events of The Hobbit...

Kinda dropped the Palantír on that one, Gandalf.