If Sonic was a Pokémon, Would Doctor Eggman Be Team Rocket or an Egg Shaped Snorlax?

When considering Sonic, it becomes clear that rather than simply being an anthropomorphic hedgehog, the spiked speedster can in fact be seen to be a new type of Pokémon, heretofore undiscovered by man.

I am the very best like no one ever was.

While Sonic appears to be a mouse Pokémon, it is unclear exactly what type he belongs to, being distinct from the well-known types of Fire, Grass and Water. From our initial observations, he does seem to quite close to the Normal-type in abilities and powers, and could possibly be some sort of mutation of that type. That said, his spiked appearance is quite similar in appearance to that of Sandslash, a fellow mouse Pokémon but a Ground-type.

If Sonic is related to Sandslash, family reunions must get quite prickly.
(It is unclear at this stage whether Sonic has the ability to induce bad puns, although research suggests some correlation.)

Regardless of the exact type, this discovery explains the many variations of the Sonic creature seen over the years, which now can be seen to be its different evolutions rather than desperate attempts to seem hip and relevant as previously thought.

Evolution.

In this manner we can see that Sonic is a rare breed of Pokémon which often evolves in small, incremental steps rather than a full-blown stages like other Pokémon.

Sonic's first evolution, note the potbelly and lack of buckles.

Thus, the simple additional of buckles to his shoes and a change of eye colour from black to green seems to indicate the second stage of evolution for Sonic.

Buckles maketh the Pokémon.

Also, like Eevee, Sonic appears to be able to evolve into different types and does not have a set path of evolution. This accounts for the vast disparity in different variations of Sonic seen. From the ferocious Werehog,

The spikes on his back are replaced with spikes on his shoes. Spikes are an evolutionary constant.

To the invincible Super Sonic which gains the ability to fly and pulsate a yellow psychic energy shield to protect itself against attack.

Super Saiyan... um, Super Sonic.

But Sonic is not the only new Pokémon discovered in recent years. Sonic often is found in groups of three with a Tails and a Knuckles. Like Sonic, these types of these two Pokémon are hard to classify, although Tails seems to be Normal/Flying type whilst Knuckles seems to be a Normal/Ground hybrid.

Together, they offer a three-ponged attack of spikey speed, fluffy flight and horned strength. 

Here are all three in their pre-evolved states:

How did they all fit in one Pokéball? Seriously, so much adorableness could not be contained by anything less than a Masterball.

Hopefully, we will one day be able to fully understand and classify what type Sonic, Tails and Knuckles are but with this remarkable discovery, we have begun to unlock the magic and mystery of that most wondrous place: the incredible world of Pokémon.




Links:

Check out my YouTube channel. I upload songs and stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/user/sherricale/videos

Pictures-

http://rapbattlecentral.wikia.com/wiki/File:Smugsonic.png
http://pokemondb.net/pokedex/sandslash
http://beagamecharacter.com/tag/sonic-the-hedgehog/
http://www.theguardian.com/technology/gamesblog/2009/jun/23/games1
http://sonic.wikia.com/wiki/File:Sonic_running.png
http://sonicspeedzone.ca/imagegallery/index.php/Official-Art/Sonic-the-Hedgehog/Sonic-Unleashed-Packshot-Pose-Full-Werehog
http://www.allthetests.com/quiz30/quiz/1349951170/So-You-Think-You-Know-Sonic-the-Hedgehog
http://www.gaiaonline.com/profiles/angry-tails/14878574/
http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=SNF-POKEHOG&Category_Code=SNF

The Difference Between Magic and Science in Star Wars

The Stars Wars Saga simultaneously encompasses one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time and one of the most disappointing.

The original trilogy is popular culture touchstone beloved by millions and introduced so many good things into the world such as blasters, the Millennium Falcon, lightsabers, the Force, Han Solo, lightsabers, Darth Vader, Jedi, and lightsabers. Oh, and it also featured a memorable intro...

Rolling text roamed the universe in search of plot narration.

They are not without their flaws though, such as this Stormtrooper hitting his head on the door:

The finest trooper in the Empire.

The prequel trilogy, on the other hand, is comprised of some of the most reviled movies of all time. Films so disappointing and infuriating that they known to incite fanboys into murderous blood-thirsty rage at the mere mention of Jar Jar Binks.

Me'sa just wants'a hug. 

There are many things wrong with the prequels. Many many things. From thinking that what was really missing from the originals was boring political debates...

And yes, Jar Jar Binks is a member of the Galactic Senate, because fuck it.

And tedious meetings of the Jedi counsel...

Half of whom were died of boredom and came back as ghosts.

To just generally shitting all over the original films' continuity in ways that served no purpose other than to shoehorn some of the beloved (and most marketable) characters from the first trilogy into the prequels.

Darth Vader built C3PO as a child. This is cannon. 

Oh, and R2D2 was Anakin's astrotech robot in the Clone Wars, because of course he was.

"Come on, R2. Let's bounce."

Aside from raising a host of questions like 'how come Darth Vader didn't recognise that the pair of robots hanging around Luke, Leia and Han looked surprisingly similar to the pair of robots he used to hang with before he got hit with the asthma?', this just makes the Star Wars universe seem a lot smaller when all the important stuff in this huge rich universe of a million different alien species happens to a group of like 10 people and these two robots.

However, these (and many other) problems have been discussed and critiqued in great depth elsewhere on the interwebs. But few people have discussed magic. 

Not quite the magic I meant.

In the original films there is a real sense of magic and fun, in the prequels this is replaced by pseudo-science and utmost seriousness (politics and trade embargoes). Compare how Obi-Wan first tells Luke, and by extension, everyone, about the Force. The Force is described by Obi-Wan as what gives a Jedi his powers, an intangible energy force that flows through the universe and binds all living things. 

"It's invisible but you can feel it. In your heart."- Not actual quote.

In the prequels however, when Qui-Gon Jin tells Anakin about the Force and all of a sudden it is about the midichlorian count in your bloodstream. And what are midichlorians, you ask? 

"Midichlorians are a microscopic life form that resides within all living cells". 

Qui-Gon must be trolling him. He must be. Look at that smirk.

Okay... and how does this relate to the Force again? 

"Without the midichlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of the Force. They continually speak to us, telling us the will of the Force. When you learn to quiet your mind, you'll hear them speaking to you."

"Yeah... sure thing, crazy bearded man."

This answers a question that nobody asked with an answer nobody wanted. And nobody asked the question because the fact the Force is a type of energy that moves through all living things is enough. That makes it something mystical and cool. Essentially the Force is magic and it didn't need to be explained because "look how awesome it is that he can use it to move things!" But in the prequels, George Lucas for whatever reason decided to replace the magic and wonder in the originals by pointlessly and terribly trying to explain everything with horrible pseudo-science.

When Obi Wan asks Han if the Millennium Falcon is a fast ship, Han replies, "It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs." No one knows what the Kessel Run is or what a parsec is. All we get from this is that the Millennium Falcon is fast because it sounds badass that it made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs and that's all we need to know.

When this man tells you something in a vague badass manner, you know it is true. Don't question it.

If this exchange had happened in the prequels, Han would have spouted off some babble how it actually isn't the fastest ship but rather has the best navigational system and therefore can plot the best and most efficient course in hyperspace. Because that explanation is totally hardcore and not at all lame.

But then again, lightsabers!

Harry Potter and the Longbottom Conundrum

I am of the Harry Potter generation. The first book came out in 1997 when I was 8, the last book in 2007 when I finished high school. The first movie came out in 2001 when I was 11 turning 12, the last one in 2011 when I turned 22. Essentially, Harry Potter is a quintessential and undeniable part of my adolescence. I read all the books and saw all the movies, some of them numerous times.

However, it took until the last couple of books before anyone realised that the real hero of the series was in fact not Harry, but Neville Longbottom.

This guy.

Other people on the internet have obviously said it before but it bears repeating: Neville could have, no should have, been the Chosen One. The prophecy given by Professor Sybil Trelawney foretold of a child born in July who grow up to would defeat He Who Must Not Be Named (It's Voldemort, guys, his name is Voldemort).

What sane individual wouldn't trust a prophecy made by this person?

That prophecy stipulated that the child would be born of parents who had thrice defied Voldemort and would be the one to defeat him. Furthermore, the Dark Lord would mark him as an equal but the child have a power that Dark Lord wouldn't (spoiler: it's love. The Power of Love or Friendship or whatever). However, Severus Snape, who overheard the prophecy, only heard the first part and not the bit about marking the child as an equal and extra powers which might have been useful for Voldemort to know.

Da-da, da, da, daaa- aah. That's so Snape.

However, in his mad rush to kill a defenseless infant who would grow up to have terrible vision, Voldemort did not consider killing a defenseless infant who would grow up to have terrible tastes in pets (toads are horrible pets, end of discussion). This turned out be a unwittingly good move on Voldemort's part since Neville would probably have ended him.

For most of the series, Neville is clumsy, bumbling and incompetent, unable to work the most basic of spells or do anything much of use at all really. However, this is only because he never had the motivation to do so and is emotionally crippled due to the fact both his parents are completely insane and institutionalized. Dealing with the stress of having both his parents mentally broken had its affect on Neville and we can see this through his timidness and lack of confidence for most of the series. But once Neville has something that can motivate him, he metamorphoses into a badass of smoldering bravery and ass-kickery.

You better be patting me on the back or that is the last time you see that hand.

We can see this right in the beginning when Neville stands up to Harry, Ron and Hermonine when they are sneaking out of Gryffindor tower to prevent the Philosopher's stone being stolen. His devotion to his school house and willingness to stand up to his friends for what he thinks is right, wins Gryffindor the House Cup for the first time in ages as Dumbledore awards him the 10 points they needed to defeat Slytherin.

I did what now?

However, it is once Neville learns that Bellatrix Lestrange, the person responsible for torturing his parents into insanity, escaped from Azkaban that he really steps up his game and shrugs off his losery clumsiness. He works harder than anyone else at the Order of the Phoenix, improving and honing his skills in order to avenge his parents. But that is not his path. While he does face Bellatrix several times in battle, Neville's true badassery comes not through revenge, but revolution.

Just to be clear, that mass of people behind him are his followers.

When Harry doesn't return to Hogwarts, opting instead to go treasure hunting and camping or whatever, towards the end of the series, Neville steps up to lead the rebellion against Voldemort's Death Eaters who are running the school. That is, Neville organises, and serves as a symbol of inspiration for, a bunch of scared school-kids against known killers and terrorists. Just because he can.

The kids in the back are like, "Holy shit, Neville just stood up to a Death Eater... Literally. He just stood up."

With a sense of purpose and motivation, Neville becomes the badass no one expected he could ever be. This leads him to use a sword in a wand fight, because fuck it, he's Neville Longbottom and shooting spells is too easy.

He also kills a really big snake with it. No, seriously, it was a really big snake. And like, deadly poisonous.

That's around about the time, the Dark Lord Voldemort, the most powerful and evil wizard alive, wielding the Elder wand, the most powerful wand ever, the man who instilled so much fear in the wizarding world that they \were too scared to say his name aloud, asks Neville to surrender. Instead, of cowering like any normal person, Neville delivers an emotionally rousing speech about friendship and stuff before politely declining Voldemort's request by killing his pet snake.

You got something to say, punk?

This gives Harry the chance to stop pretending to be dead or whatever and have a final fireworks battle with Voldemort, who is distraught at the death of his snake and the fact Harry was only pretend-dead and not real dead. Harry might have won the battle with Voldemort but it's only because of Neville.

Neville is as gentle and caring a lover as he is hardcore and heroic a sword-wielding snake-killing badass.

All this is just to prove that if Voldemort had decided to kill Neville instead of Harry then,

Correction: In the original version of this post, I stated Wormtail overheard the prophecy. However, this was pointed out to me to be incorrect. It was in fact, Severus Snape. So I amended it.

I can admit that I was wrong. I was wrong. See? Told you I could do it.

Link Isn't a Pansy, He Just Likes Hanging With Fairies (And Breaking Pots)

Link from the Legend of Zelda series of games is one of the most iconic video game characters of all time. Along with Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog, he was one of the first truly classic video game protagonists and his series of games very rarely disappoints. Eternally mute, armed with a sword and shield, sporting pointy ears, and garbed in the most masculine use of a green tunic and pixie hat ensemble ever, he is a hero for the ages.

Ladies.

But befitting all great heroes, Link's look has evolved quite substantially over time, as shown here:

The um, evolution of Link... I guess once you mastered badassery, you don't need to evolve much further.

In his games, Link has to repeatedly save the Princess Zelda, who like Princess Peaches, is routinely kidnapped or threatened. Usually by the evil Ganondorf.

The guy in the background with the giant swords. You probably can't see him, Link is in the way.

However, Link will save Zelda (and by extension, the world) with child-like wonder, an assortment of magical items and a mystical sword.

Don't worry, he's got this.

It is this child-like wonder that is possibly Link's greatest character trait. Link is nearly always a child or teenager in the games and yet he is the only one who can save the world of Hyrule from inevitable destruction. In fact, in Minish Cap, the only reason Link is able to see the Picori, and thus save Zelda, is because he is a child and only innocent children can see them. 

"What? Oh, god... I didn't accidentally step on one of you while I was still big, did I?!" You see, the Picori are like really small. 

Unfortunately, this childish aspect of the character has been met with some derision, as some gamers have criticised Link as an immature character and mock him as cry baby.

Also, they insinuate he may be a bed-wetter but that is pure speculation.

Coupled with his child-like whimsy, Link-bashers also like to question Link's sexuality despite the fact he regularly saves a girl from danger, usually because of his fashion sense and tendency to hang out with fairies. Thus, they suggest that he is gay or a fag. Although attacking Link's (or anyone else's) sexual orientation is facetious and a good way to prove why you fail at arguing, it is not actually a problem in this instance.

"Done saving the day, time to be fabulous!"
He may be even be more badass now that he turned the sky into a diamond rainbow.

Perhaps these allegations of homosexuality arose because Link has a sensitive side which frightens guys not comfortable in their sexuality, indicated by his love of music and blowing on pipes.

You can see the tenderness in his eyes.

Link also raps.

'Nuff said.

Green Lanterns Have a Weakness for Yellow Lemon Trees

Every near invincible superhero has a weakness. Something which either disrupts or strips him or her of their powers. Occasionally writers want to bring the superhero down to a human level, to test their character and what makes them heroic. However, most times the superhero's weakness is just utterly ridiculous, like the writer was facing a deadline, had just finished a bottle of Jack, a couple lines of cocaine, and said, "Eh, this will do".

The most well-known example is Superman and kryptonite. It is so embedded in pop culture knowledge that kryptonite has become synonymous for someone's weakness. And honestly, kryptonite makes some sort of sense, it's radioactive pieces of his home-world which weaken Superman and strips of his powers. Which makes sense since it's radioactive to him. Radioactive stuff is bad. We all get that.

Kryptonite bites are bad too.

Of course, writers had to get 'creative' and introduce other types of kryptonite aside from the common green variety, like red kryptonite which turns Superman into a dick who likes blowing out the Olympic Torch or straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

"Straightening ancient architecture. I am so evil." 

Similarly, Batman also has a weakness. It's called Bruce Wayne. Whenever, Batman is out of his batsuit and just chilling as a playboy billionaire, you know that he's going to get the crap beat out him.

Just to clarify, that's Bruce under the rubble, out. His geriatric butler has to save him... because he was out of his batsuit.

Although, possibly the most you-must-be-joking-there's-no-way-that's-their-weakness is that of Power Girl's. Power Girl, in addition to having breasts no mere fabric can contain,

What you're missing? Look in a mirror, I think the answer will become apparent.

Also has a very specific weakness and that weakness is essentially anything. Anything natural and unprocessed, that is. Like a tree branch.

Yes. A branch. Not a special magic branch. Just a normal branch from a normal tree.

I don't want to elaborate on this further as it was covered in Cracked.com's brilliant The 6 Most Ridiculous Superhero Weaknesses, but it leads nicely to the weakness of one of the most powerful superheroes of all time who they did not mention in their article, Green Lantern.

Oh yeah. This guy.

The original Green Lantern, Alan Scott construct his ring and lantern following instructions from a mystical green flame, and his ring work more on the basis of magic than the pseudo-scientific rational of the Green Lanterns to follow, who were part of the Green Lantern Corps, the intergalactic police. But Alan Scott's ring had a weakness. Wood.

Well, maybe if he didn't have a weakness to wood, he wouldn't have.

Just to be clear, Scott can use his ring to create a shield that could protect him from bullets, fire, missiles, laser beams, and/or super-punches. But throw a stick at him and it passes right through his shield. Not only that but it makes him older. Since his ring keeps his body in a form of stasis, he doesn't age. However, his in addition to the fact his ring has no effect on wood, wood actually stops his ring from working, thus aging him.

Doesn't that happen to everyone?

When DC decided to revamp the character for what became the Silver Age of comics in the 1950s, they removed the magical elements of the original and replaced them with science fiction tropes. Thus, the new Green Lantern's (Hal Jordan) ring was technically, not magically, powered by the Guardians of the Universe's master power generator which his Lantern accessed. Oh, and they remove the weakness to wood because they realised that it was silly. Instead, his ring was useless against the colour yellow.

Of course, it doesn't. That doesn't change the fact you got taken out by a lamp. A lamp.

This weakness to the colour yellow is due to an impurity in the Guardian's master power generator. This is later found to be because yellow is the colour of fear as green is courage in the DC universe, and to overcome the weakness to yellow the Green Lantern has to accept and conquer his fears. However, this does not erase over 40 years of comics when stuff like this happen:

Dammit, it's yellow. My ring won't work on things that are yellow. I'll still zap green beams to look useful. 

Actually, there were a number of Green Lantern comics that revolved around the weapon/villain which was, for no discernible or logical reason, yellow.

Why is the pterodactyl yellow? No, seriously, I want to know. Why? 

And obviously, this weakness is one villains could easily exploit if they ever found out about it.

Yeah, Mister Mxyzptlk owned Green Lantern with a giant banana one time. And yes, that is Bat-Mite in the background. And I think Wonder Woman just had a DUI.

So, obviously the two generations of Green Lanterns' most fierce enemy would be an evil sentient yellow lemon tree.

They probably hate this song. Lemon trees everywhere.