Friday, 4 April 2014

Jurassic Park Brochure Written By An Unpaid Intern Named Craig

Hello and welcome to Jurassic Park! The world's number one (and only) clone-dinosaur themed park.

Marvel at the wondrous sight of dinosaurs existing in what we assume could possibly, maybe, be their natural habitat but we're not entirely sure since they lived a really long time ago, like a really really long time ago... but who cares, dinosaurs!

In a theme park!
This theme park. The one with all the dinosaurs.

No stuffy fossils or flimsy prosthetic animatronic puppets here. No, in Jurassic Park all our dinosaurs are real. Well, as real as you consider clones, which is itself a puzzling philosophical question for the ages. 

In a Philosophy 101 course I did, we had to watch Blade Runner as an example of what innate qualities distinguish humans from the replicants. Man, it really makes you think about what makes someone truly human, and yeah.... that was deep stuff, like really deep.

My God... that is so deep that I had to remove my pipe from my mouth.

But even if you don't think they're necessarily 'real' dinosaurs because they're, like, cloned or whatever, they still totally are real dinosaurs. I mean, they have dinosaur teeth, dinosaur scales, dinosaur tails, and other dinosaur stuff. What more do you want? 

Our scientists took the genetic material stored in ember mosquitoes or whatever to recreate the genetic code of the dinosaurs you'll see in our awesome park. True, they did had to cover up the gaps in DNA with frog DNA, so I guess technically that means they're not 'pure' dinosaurs in terms of genetics or whatever, but that just makes our dinosaurs super cool dino-frog hybrids.
"Who you callin' a dino-frog hybrid? Your mom's a dino-frog hybrid."

Jurassic Park is a state-of-the-art facility with all the latest in technological wonders. Wonders that ranged from automatic vehicles that follow a predetermined track (for your comfort, these vehicles come completely without the restraints of seat-belts) to the CD-ROM players in those vehicles, technology that won't become dated for decades to come. 

And the park's sweet retro jungle aesthetic is designed to make you think of a a really cool safari adventure or something.
I helped design the entrance. I don't know if anyone noticed but it's like the one from King Kong!

Now, only a few people know this, but the awesomeness of Jurassic Park simply could not be contained by one park alone. Although, the main park encompasses an entire tropical island off the coast of Costa Rica, Isla Nublar (or Site A for us at InGen), there is another separate facility on the nearby island of Isla Sorna (Site B).
The main park has a slight inferiority complex because Site B is bigger.

Originally, Site B was where the dinosaurs were genetically engineered and raised for a bit before being brought over to the main park, but now it's more like a wildlife reserve or something where the dinosaurs roam free with no fencing.
Not that the fencing on Site A was all that effective.

Some might label the complete failure of the fences on Site A to contain the dinosaurs following a system malfunction and subsequent power outage (which was totally not my fault since I was out getting Mr Hammond coffee at the time and wasn't there and didn't touch the power switch and you can't prove anything) a "safety hazard".

While we don't like such hurtful labels, the incident did have a real positive outcome in the end. This is because it showed us at InGen that the park could be way more interactive than we had previously thought.

The park's Flare-in-the-Rain Relay Race has become massively popular since we allowed the T.Rex to participate.

We at InGen and Jurassic Park understand that people want to actually touch the dinosaurs, because of course, who wouldn't?

Therefore, we no longer cage up the dinosaurs the way we had originally intended, because of things like safety regulations and common sense. 

Nah. Now we see that the dinosaurs just want to chill out with people as much as people want to hang with dinosaurs.

"You gonna come out and play?"

Anyway, back to Site B and the reserve thing. Due to the lack of fencing, the dinosaurs are free to roam and frolic and whatever where-ever they please. That does mean that they're all chilling out in their own groups because dinosaurs are racist and believe in the segregation of species.

For example, the Triceratopses don't run with the Stegosauruses since they don't have horns on their heads and every Triceratops knows that dinosaurs without horns on their heads are stupid and probably come from a lower socio-economic background.

But despite the dino-racism, it is kinda cool to see a flock of Parasaurolophuses (the ones with the boners on their heads) all run together in terror while being chased by a vicious Spinosaurus (the one with the big-ass spine and pointy teeth). They don't show that on the Discovery Channel. Especially now since they got all lame and reality TV.
"Give me more David Attenborough documentaries! Cancel Deadliest Catch!" - Spinosaurus.
Little known fact: Spinosauruses love nature documentaries and will eat television executives if not satisfied.

Many well-respected scientists and conservationists have praised our dinosaur reserve on Site B, including the renowned paleontologist Dr. Alan Grant, who is quite enthusiastic about the park's attractions and beautifully dangerous prehistoric creatures, stating that "You probably won't get off this island alive... due to the amount of fun you'll have!"

Pictured: Fun.
Not pictured: Complete dread and fear.

Furthermore, extravagant chaos theorist, and Jurassic Park advocate, Dr. Ian Malcom just loves the fact that our scientists played God by creating our dino-frog hybrids. 

In the mathematician's own words, "Gee, the lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here... um... staggers me".

He's pretty staggering himself.

With recommendations like these in addition to the stunning stuff we've got here, like dinosaurs and um... more dinosaurs, why wouldn't you grab the next helicopter ride to either of our parks and have a dinosaur adventure today?

Oh, and in the near future, please be sure to check out our third park, which is on a spaceship! Like, in space! Although this park is incomplete right now, it was visited by that most revered of travelers, The Doctor, and has his official stamp of approval. He particularly liked the Triceratops.

On that note, enjoy the official song of our new facility, Jurassic Park: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship.

Craig out.

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This introduction is supposed to let you know that you have found the correct Caleb. 

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