Friday, 23 May 2014

The Three Flavours Cornetto Boys

Zombies, cops, and world ending pubs. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little boys. But Professor Wrightonion accidently added an extra ingredient to the concoction -- Pop cultural references!

Thus, The Three Flavours Cornetto Boys were born. Using their ultra-mediocre powers, Shaun, Angel, and King have dedicated their lives to fighting apocalypses and the forces of sobriety.

http://www.theshirtlist.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/The-Cornetto-Trilogy-e1396676287709.jpg

The town of Newton Haven.

And what a dreary little town it is, with its homogenous pubs that all look the same, modern art sculptures that confuse passers-by, and the invading Blanks nestled in the picturesque cottage homes. Luckily for the citizens of Newton Haven that haven't been replaced with robots who don't like to be called robots because the root of the word robots means slave, The Three Flavours Cornetto Boys are there to save the day.

Each Three Flavours Cornetto Boy has their own unique abilities in addition to their shared love of Cornetto ice cream, witty repartee, subliminally referencing pop cultural touchstones, and the ability to hold things without any fingers.

Shaun, the leader, wields a bloodied cricket bat equally efficient at dispatching zom... um, another word for the living dead... as it is for hitting a six.

Each Three Flavours Cornetto Boy comes accompanied with its own Nick Frost.

Angel is the guns expert, armed with automatic weapons that work best when shit gets real.

And shit just got real.

And King is the joker of the group who thinks he's the leader but actually just talks really fast confusing other people into doing what he wants, and is able to drink vast quantities of alcohol while pretending it's still 1990. 


When he's done, he won't be the only thing that's out of order.

Really, the Blanks of Newton Haven had no chance against the Three Flavours Cornetto Boys. King bust in the Trusty Servant with a twinkle in his eye that suggested he was in truth blind. Gathering them around him through sheer charisma and the power of ego-centrism, King hit Blanks with alternatively archaic and nonsensical phrases that short-circuited their processing chips as they tried to process what the hell he just said, as Shaun snuck in through the back door.

"Come on, you Legoland cunts, let's Boo-Boo. My delectable companions will soon join myself in partaking of the inaugural controversy due to ensue," King articulated with slurred vowels and a glass of beer in his hand.

With the Blanks distracted by King's confusing declarations of violent intent, Shaun jump out from behind the bar and promptly decapitate a few with his favourite cricket bat as the tune of 'Don't Stop Me Now' filled the air. Sufficiently occupied with the ramblings of a hammered King and a bat-swinging Shaun, who got red on himself, the Blanks were completely unable to resist when Angle shut down the show with a fully loaded shotgun and a shitload of paperwork.

However, the fight against apocalyptic forces is never over for the Boys, since as soon as they helped cleared the pub of Blanks at closing time,

"My TV is on fire!"

After realising that his 'TV' was in a fact a window, and that the town was actually the thing on fire, the Mayor calm down and made a cup of tea. Once relaxed, he phoned the Boys asking them to get there in a rapid sequence of close-up shots of a car handle opening, a seat-buckle buckling, ignition key turning, and the car arriving. Angel drove, while King grumbled that the car was no Beast, even if it was a little hairy.

Once at the town, the Boys wasted no time in trying to discover what had started the fire. The blaze was dying down as fire-fighters managed to put out most of the fires. King tried to help by almost poring his unfinished pint on a fire but then decided against it because he hadn't finished drinking it yet.

The Boys deferred to Angel in times like these, because in addition to being a guns expert, he also knew a thing or twenty about forensics. Surveying the scope of the damage, Angle traced the root of the fire back to the local pub, the Crown (a place where King felt quite at home). Once there, he quickly found the cause of the inferno that engulfed the city with the power of observation and a good notepad.

"A zombie..." Angel started.
"Don't call them that!", Shaun interjected.
"Why?" King queried.
"Because I have a hard time admitting the truth," Shaun explained.

With Shaun's reservations out in the open, Angle cleared his thought and began again,

"A zed-word person staggered over, probably with a hint of vacant sadness in his eyes, knocking over a flaming shot. Because of the amount of alcohol spilled on the floor, the pub caught alight almost instantaneously, incinerating several under-age drinkers, evident by the braces found at the scene," Angel narrated with an authoritative air that irked King and made Shaun feel like an underachiever.

With that piece of exposition out of the way, the Boys were suddenly surrounded by a horde of flesh-eating zed-word people that shambled towards them in an incredibly slow, yet somehow menacingly scary, manner.

One of the zombies wore a top hat.
Spooky.

In his element, Shaun swung his cricket bat with wild abandon as he yelled at Angle to aim for the head. However, there were too many zed-word people and Shaun got cornered. While he managed to keep most of them at bay, a stray zed-word person unexpectedly 'rushed' him, pushing the cricket bat to his chest as Shaun used it to defend himself. Struggling with the mindless corpse in desperation, Shaun managed to push it away such that it fell to the floor with a groan.

Wasting no time for one-liners, Shaun smashed the moaning zed-word person's head in with a satisfying splatter of red. Once his mind cleared following the adrenaline rush of fighting for his life, Shaun cursed himself for not quipping "Heads up," before dispatching the now headless corpse.

He looked up to see that Angel had got several zombies to surrender because he took down their names in his notepad, making a record of every moan and groan they moaned and groaned, much to their dismay. King was sitting at the bar filling his glass with the lager on tap, holding a solitary zed-word person at bay with his free hand.

Shaun called back the Mayor and said that everything was alright, but asked if it was still cool if they came over for dinner, even though he forgot to make reservations.


Note: About halfway through writing this, I realised this is essentially a piece of Three Flavours Cornetto/Powerpuff Girls fan fiction. So, yeah. Deal with it.

References:

Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy Wikipedia page

Shaun of the Dead Wikipedia page

Hot Fuzz Wikipedia page

The World's End Wikipedia page

25 More Pints: Revisiting The World's End

The 12 Pubs of the Golden Mile

Running Gags in the Trilogy

About Me

My photo

This introduction is supposed to let you know that you have found the correct Caleb. 

I am here to tell that your search is over. I am indeed the correct Caleb for any given situation. Parties, hunter-gatherings, long walks on the beach, shindigs, guest appearances, and so much more. I am an multi-purpose Caleb guaranteed to impress friends and influence your uncle.

I also write stuff online.