Friday, 31 July 2015

Born Under a Bald Sign: No Hair for the Wicked

I feel it coming, the slow yet inevitable encroach of evil that draws ever closer with the unyielding crawl of a receding hairline. Each follicle lost to the wind brings forth the darkness within, steadily consuming my very being. I am unable to resist it and can only succumb to its hold with each passing day, caught in its thrall.

I could try to hide it, to deny what I am becoming through means crude or sophisticated, methods cheap or operations expensive, but it is to no avail. Any attempt to do so would be found out with ease and destroyed with mockery, for laughter is the only reaction when the alternative is to cry in sheer horror.

For I am slowly but surely losing my hair and, as we all know, bald men are evil. It's not mere conventional wisdom or hearsay but scientifically proven to be true.

Science, bitch.

The scourge of the bald is known to all. Their chrome domes herald doom for any who are unluckily enough to gaze upon their scalped heads or see the sun glisten off their shiny craniums, the bright glow a bold faced subterfuge to mask the darkness in their shaved souls.

We are taught from a young age to associate baldness with evil in order safeguard the future of humanity from the evil of the shaved. Perhaps if they are able to identified evil in its most domineering form, they will be able to ward off, or at least avoid, such evil when confronted by the Ones With Shorn Scalps.

So as a means of warning the populace of their diabolic and despicable menace, bald men have been portrayed, realistically, as the antagonists in our mainstream culture for decades. While the following vile propaganda by a thoroughly detestable smooth head is hard to watch due to its attempt to gain sympathy for the hairless, it does highlight the common portrayal of bald men as villains in cinema.


However it is not enough for him to merely highlight the 'negative' portrayal of bald men in pop culture. No, he further subverts the language of the legitimately oppressed for his own gain. The language of those who suffer from the institutionalised discrimination inherent in the portrayal of their race, gender, and/or sexuality in film by having that portrayal limited to a handful of roles or stereotypes. Stereotypes which then reinforced negative connotations or prejudices.

To even insinuate that bald men, who have wrought so much destruction unto the world, suffer from similar discrimination is morally reprehensible. Simultaneously an unforgivably biased satire and gross untruth, it serves to delegitimize the very real issues with most portrayals of race, women, and people of different sexual persuasions in pop culture by mere association.

"I was too bald to see but he has a point."

Truly it is a heinous act worthy of condemnation but with such a distinct lack of hair, could anything else be expected of such visually immoral man? I mean, his evil is marked as clear as chrome for all the world to see. His existence a crime against nature for nothing could naturally be as smooth as the head he brandishes so domineeringly.

Luckily even his evil seemingly has its limits, or perhaps he couldn't keep up the charade with such bile in his heart. There is a part where he suggests that he is above hypocrisy or criticism for ridiculing those with hair since he is critiquing from a place of disenfranchisement while those who would critique him are speaking from a place of privilege. However, he can't keep up the pretense and starts laughing maniacally.

Sorta like this.

It seems that it wasn't possible for him to distort this from those who suffer legit discrimination. Reverse-racism or misandry doesn't really exist, or at least doesn't carry with it the same social power relations or harmful effects that actual racism and misogyny does.

This is because the stereotypes created and reinforced by institutions of racism and patriarchy actually serve to control minorities and women by exerting some form of power, cultural or otherwise, upon them. However, negative comments made against the dominant group (white straight males usually) by a minority don't have that some power, and while those comments might be prejudiced and wrong, they're not racist nor discriminatory in the same way.

It's clear that, no matter the fact that his soul is as void of morals as his head is of hair, he was unable to subvert this truism to his despicable propaganda. Still, let us hope none were fooled by his deception.

"I'm sure I could think of an ironic and gruesome murder for gullibility."

There seems to be no rational reason why a man shorn the hair on his head would be the very embodiment of all that is unholy and yet it is an inalienable truth of the natural world. Once a man becomes follically challenged due to ravages of time, the cruel trick of genetics, or the wicked razor, he loses all sense of decency or morals.

The very instant his head becomes shiny and smooth is the same instant his soul turns black as all warmth leaves his eyes until only a menacing scowl and a sour disposition remains. Maybe the lack of hair creates a desire too great to be contained. A hole which eats inside him due the very lack he feels on his head, something he can neither articulate in words nor express in anything other than acts of the purest evil.

"Oh, you think baldness is your ally. But you merely adopted the bald. I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn't see hair until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but thatching."

And I feel this deadly affliction weigh on my own brow. With the purposeful march of time, my fringe recedes ever further, growing the size of my forehead to the dominating onslaught it will soon become. The hair on top of my hair ever thinning despite my best efforts, leading me to my inevitable doom.

It's not like I wasn't forewarned. I knew this curse ran through my family and which way the wind was blowing. My father had succumb to this detestable ailment many years ago and my brother has already become one of them, a razor to his head and a blackness in his heart.

Every morning is a dreaded gaze into the mirror to reveal even more of my humanity is steadily falling away and my very identity is called into question. Those who don't suffer from this most disastrous of plagues, which weighs so heavy on my heart and increasingly lighter on my head, don't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

"I'm losing my hair and soon nothing will steam the unspeakable horror which lies inside!"

Truly they are unaware of the terrible fate that awaits me. Most seem oblivious to the obvious hair loss which has begun, the subtle thinning on top which marks the ever growing menace growing inside of me. Perhaps they were not told or do not know. Somehow kept ignorant of the diabolical deeds done by those with domes of chrome in the dark.

I know not how that is possible, nor care. All I know is that I don't have much time left. A few years at best, if I could be so lucky. For some reason, I doubt that I will be. It will come. There is no stopping it. I cannot deny or ignore it, hoping that it will go away or that things will be the same.

My once thick, luscious hair will soon be nothing but a memory. A memory of a time when I had a soul. A time when I could still see the beauty in the world. A time when my every waking moment wasn't filled with unspeakable evil. A time before I was bald.


References:

Bald of Evil - TV Tropes

Guys with shaved heads seem tougher, study says - NBC News


Post Script Plug:

Hey, do you like sounds put into some form of melody with words sung over them? Because I make music too. No, it's true

Check out my music page here or listen to song I wrote about the internet or something called 'Avatars on Computer Screens' here. (By the way, those are hypertext links, that's why they're gold. Click on them to see to which magic land they lead.)

About Me

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This introduction is supposed to let you know that you have found the correct Caleb. 

I am here to tell that your search is over. I am indeed the correct Caleb for any given situation. Parties, hunter-gatherings, long walks on the beach, shindigs, guest appearances, and so much more. I am an multi-purpose Caleb guaranteed to impress friends and influence your uncle.

I also write stuff online.