The Incy, Wincy Spider-Man Climbed Up Hyrdo-Man's Sprout

Spider-Man is my favourite superhero. While I love many others, it's always been Spider-Man for me. The reasons aren't all that original: A geeky, scrawny kid with brown hair, a poor adolescent social life, and tendency to make bad jokes in stressful situations? While you could have be forgiven for thinking I was talking about Peter Parker, I was actually describing myself. I am Spider-Man. Just without the spider powers. Or the sciency know-how to create sperm based web shooters.

And people wonder why every article on Spider-Man requires an obligatory 'web=sperm' joke.

I also lack a significant number of animal themed supervillains in my rogues gallery. Where Spider-Man has the Scorpion, Rhino, Doctor Octopus, Chameleon, the Vulture, the Lizard, Black Tarantula, Black Cat, Jackal, Beetle, and um, the Human Fly, I have little-to-no-clue-what-I-really-want-to-do-with-my-life as my primary villain. Which is a really crappy name for an antagonist, although it is in all honesty quite a lot scarier than some of Spidey's villains.

Like the Grizzly! Who is a wrestler. In a grizzly bear suit.
A grizzly bear suit that has an opening for his face in the bear's mouth, because of course it does.

But aside from fighting guys dressed in animal costumes that indicate some questionable fashion choices, Spider-Man is probably best-known for being the first superhero who had to deal with real life issues outside of his crime-fighting extracurricular activities. Peter Parker had to cope with the dual horror of stopping Tinkerer from tinkering AND doing his homework. Or web-slinging across town because he's late to a date with Mary Jane, or Gwen Stacy, or Felicia, (for a guy with girl troubles, he sure gets around) since Doctor Octopus inked downtown Manhattan. Not to mention the trouble of having to maintain a double identity where his secret identity is a puny nerd who no-one really likes,

Damn straight, Dadeo. Those cats gonna regret ribbing you with that jive.

And when he's a superhero that no-one really likes.

I understand that he is quite upset about not being appreciated for the good he does, but I think your logic is flawed when your response to being accused of something is thinking that you should then become that thing. Just saying.

Additionally, he was a teenage superhero in a time where being a teenager in a superhero comic meant that you were regulated to being a sidekick (like Robin) and possibly a victim of sodomy (like Robin). Spider-Man is my favourite hero because he was a teenager who had to deal with average adolescent angst, like his crippling self-obsession regarding his feelings of loneliness and the fear of rejection from his peers. Normal teenage stuff.

Also, unbearable and debilitating guilt. Don't forget the guilt.

Although this angst is a large part of Spider-Man's appeal as a character and as a hero, because he has had to deal with a lot of loss and hurt in his life, such as the deaths of his uncle, Ben, and the first love of his life, Gwen Stacy, he is somewhat emotionally broken.

"I'll be okay. I've got my web-blanky.
I'm fine. I've got my web-blanky.
Web-blanky is always there for me...
Oh, god, I'm so alone."

But that is okay, because as Spider-Man he gets to constantly distract himself from his anxieties and emotional woes by fighting things too awesome to imagine. Like that time he fought a giant red Tyrannosaurus-Rex,

This is a thing that happened. I have only two questions:
1) Why this does not happen more often, like every second issue?
2) Does this validate all the Spider-Man/Jurassic Park fanfic online?

Or that time Abraham Lincoln let him hold his hat and watch as he fought the bad guys to save America.

When Lincoln rolls up his sleeves, you don't see web-shooters, you see freedom-shooters.

You might have noticed that Spider-Man was a wearing a black costume in the above picture. Like many young people as they are growing up into adults and go to college, Spidey tried a new look.

That boy is so terrified by Spidey's costume change that the right side of his face is melting.

And like most new looks tried out in college, it was a passing phase that Peter doesn't like to speak about because it's embarrassing, and created one of his most deadly foes, Venom.

Same thing happened to me after my scarf-wearing phase.

Spider-Man is my favourite superhero, not because he is the smartest or the most powerful or always saves the day, but because he barely uses his considerable intellect for anything aside from developing one world-changing device that he uses to tie up bad guys, is not really that powerful when you consider he lives in the same city as Doctor Strange, and fucks up. Sometimes, he just can't save the day and the bad guys win. Sure, he wins the war or gets them in the end but that's just the logic of storytelling. Heroes win in the end. But in losing to a villain, getting beaten, and having to deal with the damage they have cause (just look at all the shit Green Goblin has done to the guy and you'll see what I mean), Spider-Man is the best superhero because he loses. That makes him real.

Aside from the time he tried to be Batman and talked in Christian Bale's Batman voice. That was just another phase.

Oh, Spidey.


References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider-Man
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Spider-Man_enemies

A Day In The Life of An Ordinary Citizen In Gotham City

I'm no Superman. Seriously, I can't even leap a building in a single bound or run fast. Just an ordinary human. No super. No meta. Just a regular powerless person living in a world of supers. It's kind of easy to feel insignificant or small when Green Lantern just saved Manhattan from an asteroid with a giant green baseball mitt. Personally, I would have gone with a baseball bat and hit one right out of the park... er... atmosphere. But what do I know? I'm no hero.

Pictured: Hero.
Also, you probably thought I was making a joke about that baseball mitt. I wasn't.

 
Lacking any enhanced abilities, mystic prowess, alien tech, radioactive animal bites, or super genius of any kind, I can safely say that I am just a person. And that's fine, I don't really care. It's not like I've ever wanted to fly or shoot beams out of my eyes or shrink down to atomic size or whatever. Walking at a normal pace is good enough transport as any for me.

The Flash uses enough electricity to power a small town every time he puts on his boots.
My electricity bill is high enough, thank you

I do occasionally wonder what it would be like to live in a world with no superheroes though. And no supervillains too, before you get the wrong idea. It's not the lack of heroes or villains I wonder about but the lack of powers. What would that world be like? A world where no one had superpowers. Where there wasn't an alien from a distant planet many galaxies away who took to the skies and punched evil in the face until it went away. A world where the fastest a man could run was around 14 miles per hour. A world where physics had rules that had to be followed, instead of merely laughed at on a regular basis by beings with powers that challenge the very conception of what is possible. A world where everyone and everything was ordinary.

In such a world would explosions still spell out onomatopoeia like "BOOM"?
Is that even a rational question to ask when it clearly makes light of scientific truth?

I don't know the answers to these questions but I do wonder about them. Would my dinner plans with Lucy from the gift shop still have to be continually rescheduled because the Penguin unleashed an adorable but deadly army of killer penguins in Gotham Park again (alternative Tuesdays) or because yet another alien invasion had to coincide with date night for the third time in a row? Would I actually have to do anything as head of security at the Gotham City Art Museum? Most of the time when there is a new art exhibition or an expensive diamond on display, we take bets on how long it will take for a supervillain to burst in and try to steal it. These bets are in minutes by the way. Also, there's no real point in trying to stop them. My loyal can of pepper spray stays loyally in my holster because of the fuck-all good it would do. Most villains come bullet-proof and often are armed with freeze rays, acid-squirting prop flowers, or the power to induce motion sickness. Better to just leave it to Batman.

He can handle it. I heard that he actually has a can of shark-repellent because of course he does. He's Batman. 

Maybe I would actually do more than simply monitor the security cameras for the inevitable appearance of a gimmick-themed villain who will either alternatively skulk silently and avoid detection until being inexplicably spotted in the process of, or immediately after, stealing something and then beating us all up, or just exploding shit up because fuck it, they can and we can't stop them. Maybe I'll actually have a night on the job where nothing actually gets stolen because regular thieves aren't as good as super-powered ones. I'm assuming, of course. I'm not sure I know what a regular thief would even look like.

A regular thief? I dunno.

It might be nice to live in a world where it isn't utterly and complete obvious that everyone is not the same, where all men are not created equal. I wonder if a world without superpowers would be a more equal world. Surely there wouldn't be any reason for people to treat each other unfairly if everyone is normal and there was nothing intrinsically different about people that made them significantly more powerful than any other person, right?

Then there would be no reason for Green Lantern to be a racist just because he had an alien ring that proved his superiority to other people.

But what do I know? It might be worse without the supers around to stop that sort of thing. Or at least to distract from it. It's hard to think that you're better than a group of people based on something as arbitrary as race when the Flash can literally run rings around you at the speed of light or when Superman can fry you with a blink of his eye.

Staring contests with Superman don't tend to end well.

But that brings up another thing, would there be religion in a world without supers? I remember reading that before the appearance of the original superheroes, people used to believe in gods, which were all-powerful beings that watched over us even though people couldn't see them. So, I'm guessing like Batman in ninja-mode or something. As head of security, I've spoken to him once or twice. He just appears and disappears with no warning. Rather impolite when you think about it, doesn't even say goodbye. Just leaves when you're in mid-sentence...

But anyway, apparently religion kinda fell out of favour when the supers appeared because it makes little sense to believe in invisible gods when beings who are practically real gods are fighting bad guys outside your window.

A god, I guess. You can tell by the tights and the lightning. But mostly the tights.

But in a world without supers, where Superman doesn't swoop in at the last moment to save you like he did my aunty Rena, it would probably be easy to believe in gods you couldn't see in order to feel a bit safer about things you don't understand because I think it would be probably kinda scary without superheroes looking after you. I mean, I don't understand much about stuff because it all seems so chaotic and confusing when there are demons and aliens and cross-dimensional beings and talking fish but at least I know the Justice League is looking out for us. And that's comforting, which I guess what believing in a god would be like. But what do I know? I'm just a security guard with too much time on his hands.


Signed,
Tony Bullock
Head of Security, Gotham City Art Museum (unpublished writer and non-super)

Harry Potter and The Sloppily Snogging Adolescents

Although I've already written about how the true hero of the Harry Potter series was, in fact, Neville Longbottom here, I thought the time was ripe to discuss love in the magical world, seeing as I just finished watching all the movies again. Love in the Harry Potter universe is awkward, forced, and not all that romantic.

Pictured: Romance.

The Harry Potter series deals with a number of themes, such as: what it would be like to find out that you are a wizard and the most important person who ever lived, what it would be like to go to boarding school in England, and what it would be like to have a bitching invisibility cloak that you conveniently forget about when the plot demands it.

"Hot damn. I've got to be good looking 'cause I'm so hard to see."

And while these themes are, for the most part, handled quite well in the movies (I'm focusing on the movies for sake of convenience), romantic love unfortunately is not. Handled well, I mean. The lack of handjobs in the series is the first indicator of this poor handling, but the narrative of the movies never really gave much leeway for the romantic sub-plots to be dealt with any significant way. Therefore, romantic liaisons between Hogwarts students are noticeably ham-fisted as they have to rush in a quickie before Harry destroys a Horcrux or something.

Sometimes a Horcux rushed in a quickie too.

Characters are a forced together without a lot (or any) time given to actually develop any real chemistry between them, despite being main characters in every movie. Ron and Hermione do the endlessly entertaining will they, won't they, you-know-they-will-and-wish-they'd-just-get-on-with-it dance, or in their case, fumble, from as early as Year 3. Possibly, even Chamber of Secrets.

Get on with it.

Obviously, these are young characters whose clumsy inability to manage the romantic feelings tentatively forming between them is supposed to highlight the growing pains of adolescence. But they are young, like 12 years old, when the hints start coming, which begs the question of why there are moments of gawkiness between Ron and Hermione sprinkled in so early, aside from a not-too-subtle attempt to make everyone swoon with a bigger pay-off when they finally and inevitably kiss in the final movie (in the Chamber of Secrets! Nice, bringing it back around).

He's wet. She's wet. Half the audience is wet.

Unfortunately, in one of the least effective attempts in cinematic history to suggest that this inevitable end result might not be as inevitable as it so totally is (that is until Jacob developed shirt-disintegration disease in the presence of Bella), they even try to add a love triangle to spice up some drama in Half-Blood Prince with the addition of Lavender Brown. Lavender has no defining characteristics aside for being irrationally attracted to Ron for no reason that can be determined by mortal man. He pays her no attention and is barely aware of her presence until she starts flirting with him. He is then bemused by her flirting and doesn't really flirt back, only really makes out with her because she is there and doesn't even really like her. And all this after he didn't really do anything to get her attention in the first place. Some might say he impressed her by his mad Keeper skills, but in the movie, she is totally into him before Quidditch trial-outs happen.

This happened in the Weasly twin's joke shop. Before school started. So, yeah. Apparently, Ron's got it going on.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Lavender, she is not actually a minor secondary character but is in fact merely a plot device to make Hermione jealous and move along the romance between Ron and Hermione.

Although, she also has a bit of creepy stalker lady from her mother's side.

However, Ron and Hermione's adolescent wizard play at Ross and Rachel (Hermione is Ross in this equation) pales in comparison to the dour and oddly lifeless chemistry between Harry and Ginny. While Harry might be the Boy Who Lived and the Chosen One or whatever, he certainly is no lover. His first love 'interest', for lack of a better word, is Cho Chang. And after being failing to muster up the courage to talk to her and completely incapable of interacting with her in a normal manner in The Goblet of Fire, Harry has to made do with being her rebound in Order of the Phoenix.

Harry described this kiss as "wet", which is kinda rich in light of Ron and Hermione's  first kiss above.

That sub-plot fizzled out in Half-Blood Prince since Cho Chang was only meant to provided some romantic interest for Harry while we waited for Ginny to get older so Harry didn't seem too much like a pedophile when he started getting interested in her. And of course, Harry only really starts getting interested in Ginny when she is dating Dean Thomas, because apparently the only way for a main character to feel love for someone in the wizarding world is through jealousy.

"Yes, kiss me now. I think Harry's watching."

But the thing is, there is little to no spark whatsoever between Harry and Ginny in the movies. Most of the 'romantic' scenes with the two of them are so lifeless and devoid of passion aside from a sad reluctance that they know that they have to do it and might as well get it over with.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so frigid that I'm just not feeling it, you know?" - Ginny

Part of this is the obviously forced nature of these scenes, like the dress zipper scene pictured above. Perhaps because the scene itself is so reserved and lacking any real passion (despite the fact Voldemort is out and about killing people and the threat of death is a pretty good aphrodisiac), it obscures the fact it makes little sense. Harry is in the kitchen/living room area of the Weasley's house when Ginny appears out of nowhere and asks him to zip her up. In the living room. Of a house where more than seven witches and wizards are currently residing. Why was she walking around the house with the zip for her dress undone? Was there nobody in the vicinity of her bedroom, which I think she might have been sharing with Hermione, who could have helped zip her dress up? Was she looking for Harry so that he could do it? And if so, does that mean that her thought-process went something like, "I know. I'll put on my dress in my room, walk downstairs to the living room area, wait around a bit and hope Harry comes by so he can do up my zip and then we can snog for a while"?

Well, it worked. So, hooray?

Harry and Ginny end up together because they end up together. Not because anything is allowed to really develop between them onscreen but because it happened in the books. So, they are forced together in situations where they have to try and be into each other, despite not actually feeling any real magic.

But at least there is this kind of magic instead.

  

And while adolescent love in Hogwarts might lack fire and a certain authenticity, it undeniably has an abundance of snogging.

No, seriously. That's an eight minute video of kissing scenes from the movies. People kiss a lot in Hogwarts. Mostly in a hesitant awkward manner. Get a room.

The Little Mermaid Isn't So Little - Excerpts from "Making Ariel Sing: An Erotic Novel"

Warning: This content is strictly adult but is recommended for readers of all ages because business is slow. Childhoods may be ruined by reading this material. You were warned.

Making Ariel Sing: An Erotic Novelisation of The Little Mermaid

Chapter 1: The Looking

Ariel looked at Prince Eric with a longing gaze, her clam shells heaving in time with her heavy breaths. The prince's piercing blue eyes and warming smile indicated the sensitive soul that lingered beneath his cock-sure sailor demeanor and rippling muscles that bulged under his simple white shirt. This sensitivity was also indicated by the way he talked about the sea and how deep it was to his manservant, Gumby. "He's so deep like that," thought Ariel. "If only he would be deep like that in me", she mouthed aloud cheekily. She then blushed at the thought forming in her head, of slowly laying her eggs for Eric to swim around and fertilize, her tail wrapped around him as their tongues met in each others mouths, Eric gasping for air... If only, she thought wistfully.

"Soon."

Chapter 3: Stormy Seduction

The storm struck hard and ferociously, rocking Eric's boat like laundry in the dryer- with a warm embrace and static in the air. Tossed overboard, the handsome swashbuckling prince wrestled with the burly waves and surging undercurrent as Ariel watched in aroused amazement and concern. Knocked unconscious despite his valiant, and sexy, effort against the power of the storm, Eric sank gently like a descending snowflake to his watery death, his mouth full and his body limp. Distraught at his limp figure, Arial raced to save the embodiment of her lustful fantasy.

And got a little backdoor action while he was out.

Flipping her tail vigorously to drag the comatose prince to safety, Ariel couldn't help but notice the firmness of his body at her touch. She felt a tingling sensation in her fin. "No time to think about that right now," she scolded herself, growing increasingly aware of the pleasing feeling spreading throughout her body. Ariel and Eric broke through the ocean's surface with a splash equal parts pain and pleasure. The cold air slapped her skin as though punishing a naughty schoolgirl. Once on the beach, Ariel dragged the still lifeless prince on the sand. Panting, with her tail exhausted from the exertion, Ariel again noticed Eric's dashing good looks and ripped body.

Somebody's got their rape face on.

Her prince in her arms, Ariel sang seductively of the impulses that drove her to want to leave her underwater kingdom for the hunky piece of human that captivated her so, and who was even now all but dead to the world.

"I don't know when,
I don't know how,
But I know something's hardening right now!"

With more willpower than she thought possible, Ariel wrenched herself away from the object of her deepest desires, who was only now starting to stir at her sultry voice and the double entendre of her lyrics. His mouth muttered half-words like "beaut". and "e-ful", while his manhood was clearly visible against the tight restriction of his soaked pants. As she waded into the water, Eric's dog Max came bouncing down the beach, catching sight of Ariel as she dove beneath the waves.

Even Max can appreciate a fine piece of tail.

Chapter 4: Sebastian Is A Prude

Flushed with success and arousal after her exhilarating, yet one-sided, adventure with the dashing prince, Ariel was determined to see him again, hopefully while he was conscious. However, Sebastian the crab's archaic prejudges cannot abide this cross-species relationship to develop any further, and in an effort to dissuade her, breaks into a whole song and dance about why it can't work out. Unfortunately, his words fall on deaf ears as Ariel's libido cannot be contained.

"What do you mean it's 'better down where it's wetter' when you're a human?" - Sebastian

Chapter 7: "Trading My Voice for Legs Is No Choice At All"

Distraught after her confrontation with her fascist father, Triton, who forbid her from seeing Eric, and wishing more than anything to feel the caress of her human lover, Ariel visits that drag queen supreme of the seven seas, Ursula.

It's tough being this divine.

Imploring Ursula's good nature and empathy, Ariel tells Ursula of her wish to be human and do human things with Prince Eric that she just can't accomplish with a tail and fins. All too understanding of her plight, the voluptuous Ursula gently strokes Ariel's face with one of her tentacles.
"I may leak some ink, darling. Pay it no mind," the flamboyant sea-witch emphatically informed the mermaid, her eye-lashes aflutter. "But darling it's simple, I'll just turn you into a human," she suggested with a smile. To Ariel's obvious gratitude, apparent in her agape mouth, she replied, "It's nothing, no sweat, however although I'm the best, there is a price."
"But I don't..." began Ariel in a worried tone before Ursula drew her close to her ample bosom and said, "Well, it's more like a gift, a exchange of sorts. It's not something you'll miss, just your voice."
"My voice but how can I...?" Ariel left the question open like her sister Arista on Mardi Gras.
"You'll have your looks, your pretty face. And don't underestimate the importance of body language, ha!"
"I don't understand what you mean," Ariel interjected hesitantly.

Oh, honey, [Sings]:
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber,
They think a girl who gossips is a bore!
Yet on land, it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word,
When after all dear, what they want is a whore.

Chapter 8: Legs

Following her transformation, Ariel struggled with a pain in her lungs she never felt before. Air! She needed it almost as much as she needed Eric's body pressed against hers. After swimming upwards to the shore, Ariel gasped as air filled her. Once she caught her breath, she marveled at her new legs. Not as scaly as her tail to be sure, but quite smooth nevertheless. She hope that was what human boys liked, although she recalled that the humans she had seen did grow hair on their legs. She hoped she wouldn't be looked upon as a freak for not having hair on her legs.

"Fuck. I might as well as stayed with the tail than be a hairless monstrosity."

Chapter 9: The Courtship

Prince Eric and Ariel locked eyes, their hands intertwined. Ariel was slightly confused as she felt the tingling sensation she used to get in her fin in what she learnt was called her crotch. The new location of the sensation did not diminish the desire she had for the Adonis of a sailor before her. Luckily, her lack of voice was proving little more than a minor speed bump in terms of communicating with the strapping prince.

"Don't worry, your inability to talk won't get in the way of what I have planned for your mouth." - Eric

Read the full book upon release. Pre-orders available now.

Disclaimer: These are excerpts from the forthcoming erotic novel based on Walt Disney's adaption of the tale of The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson. Any likeness to characters from the movie owned by Disney is completely intentional and totally done on purpose for the purposes of parody.



References:

The Little Mermaid Wikipedia page

IMDb The Little Mermaid Quotes