Friday, 10 January 2014

Fellowship Assemble! Or: We All Know Gandalf Dropped the Palantír On This One

It is a dark time for Middle Earth (mostly because they hadn't lit the lanterns yet) as orcs roam freely throughout the land, doing orc things like waving swords in a vaguely threatening manner while setting fires. Evil is stirring from its afternoon nap, while whispers grow about the resell value of one specific piece of jewelry.

"How much can I get for this on Ebay?"

In order to combat the growing demand for simple unadorned gold rings, the Council of Elrond, led by the elf lord, Elrond,

"Why yes, I am fabulous. Please, do go on."

Elect to destroy the One Ring to eliminate the horror of an online auction and save the free peoples of Middle-Earth from ring-wielding tyrants.

To carry out this mission of jewelry disposal, the Council decides to put together a select task force comprising of a small number (nine sounds good) of members with unique talents. These talents will allow them to transverse thousands of miles on foot while fighting entire armies and fending off sniffing Dementors on horses in the face of hopeless, yet somehow still favourable, odds to eventually cast a tiny band of gold into a giant volcano, because although subtlety was considered as a method for disposal it was swiftly discarded.


To be fair, the Council did considered other means to avert ring-related disaster, such as distraction by a 1970s animated film with a badass poster:

"Yes, the sword is a practical size. What do you mean 'overcompensating'? Uh... Look at that over there!"

But ultimately they went with the 'send a ragtag party of strangers from different species to hopefully somehow be able to get into the as-far-as-we-know impenetrable land of Mordor (guarded by thousands of orcs, one real big-ass spider, barricaded by giant gates that need trolls, yes trolls, to open them, and is watched over at all times by a huge flaming eye), then by some miracle sneak without detection to the exploding volcano to cast the the ring into the fire' plan.

Charged with carrying the surprisingly heavy piece of jewelry is Frodo the Ring-bearer.

"Who? Me?"

While leading the party is Gandalf the Grey- powerful wizard, member of the White Council, fire-work manufacturer, and pipe-smoker extraordinaire,

Bilbo is like, "Damn, this is some good shit... Also, nice smoke boat."

Aragon- Ranger of the North, skilled swordsman and tracker, king in hiding,

"I'm secretly a king. Shh, don't tell anybody."

Legolas- Elf prince, archer par excellence, acrobat, good listener,

"The hills are alive with the sound of dying orcs!"

Gimli- Dwarf, Scottish accented axe-wielder, 

"You can never have too many axes."

Boromir- Son of the Steward, Captain of Gondor, blower of trumpets,

"I'll just toot my own horn. Maybe if I do it silently nobody will notice."

And three halflings skilled in farming or something,

"Why are we even here?"- Sam

Together, this group of nine companions form the Fellowship of the Ring and set out to save Middle-Earth from the onslaught of a world of slavery to ring-wearing dark lords.

There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could dispose of the jewelry we never could.

Fellowship Assemble!

Or, you know, Gandalf could have prevented this whole thing from ever happening during the events of The Hobbit...

Kinda dropped the Palantír on that one, Gandalf.

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This introduction is supposed to let you know that you have found the correct Caleb. 

I am here to tell that your search is over. I am indeed the correct Caleb for any given situation. Parties, hunter-gatherings, long walks on the beach, shindigs, guest appearances, and so much more. I am an multi-purpose Caleb guaranteed to impress friends and influence your uncle.

I also write stuff online.