Friday, 21 February 2014

Indiana Jones and the Authentic Indian Cuisine of Pankot Palace

Are you planning an exotic journey to that mystical land of Hinduism and sacred cows, India? Then during your stay, please come and enjoy the very best of Indian cuisine at the exquisite Pankot Palace. This beautifully restored Palace is located in North India, just past the nearby village of Mayapore, which is filled with authentically starving and superstitious villagers.

Feel the sense of colonial power which can only be truly experienced when a village of malnourished natives revere you like a god because it looks as though you ate in the last week.

"Maybe if we crowd them, they'll give us some food or at least treat us as something other than stereotypes to be saved." - Superstitious starving villager #6.

Important Notice: A warning though, the spiritual leader of the village may attempt charge you with a perilous quest to return the village's sacred Sivalinga stone which he will alleged was stolen by the village and is kept on Palace premises. This is a fraudulent and baseless accusation he has made several times with little proof more than vague shamanism and the eyewitness accounts of starving natives, who were in all probability most likely hallucinating from hunger.

Pictured: Fraud.
 Not pictured: The good spiritual leader of a desperate people in need.

From Mayapore, you will be able to take the pleasurable and exciting elephant ride to the Palace. Elephants are well known for being the biggest land mammal on the planet and are the number one mode of transportation by the local population in India.

Each elephant comes with its own guide and only takes diesel.

Upon your arrival at the Pankot Palace, you will be graciously welcomed by our friendly staff and no less than the Prime Minister of Pankot Palace, and representative of the Maharajah himself, Chattar Lal.

"Welcome, welcome. Please ignore the murderous cult underneath the Palace."

In regards to the menu, the Palace is renowned the world over for its 100% authentic and totally-not-made-up-bullshit traditional Indian cuisine. With dishes steeped in the vibrant culture and rich heritage of the land, Pankot Palace boasts one of the most impressive Indian restaurants in the world.

Foregoing the largely vegetarian meals that the naive traveler might think are largely embraced by Indian and Hindu people, the Palace's restaurant instead features predominantly carnivorous courses. These extravagant dishes are designed with the sole purpose of shocking the sensitivities of white people by their sheer peculiarity and apparent barbarism.

One of the chef's specialties is a hearty helping of Coiled Wrigglies, a delicious dish sure to induce equal amounts of excitement and squeamishness.

In a matter of seconds one patron shall be overcome with excitement while the other will shriek in terror.
Both reactions will please the chef. He's odd like that.

The snake is a boa constrictor heavenly boiled and stuffed with a special treat, which is why the dish is also known by the alias, Snake Surprise.

The surprise is eels, because of course it is.

Following Coiled Wrigglies (or Snake Surprise), is Crispy Coleoptera, described by the chef as, "Fresh beetles, still in the shell, bursting with meltingly delectable innards." The beetles are boiled alive to lock in flavour and are best enjoyed by accompanying each bite with loud slurping noises and belching.
Mmm, finger-licking good.

Catering for those with a more sensitive palate, if the spices in Crispy Coleoptera are a little too exotic for your liking, you can always have Soup of the Head as an alternative. This thick broth is made from various parts of a sheep's head and has a rich aroma that is truly irresistible.

The eyeballs add flavour.

For the dessert, the Palace boasts the chef's pièce de résistance, Primate Parfait.

It is so undeniably delicious, one could blown one's top. Well, a monkey's.

This delicacy is lovingly presented, consisting of chilled monkey's brain served within the open head of the primate whose grey matter you will soon be digesting. Much like caviar but less salty, Primate Parfait is sure to tantalize the taste-buds and provide a satisfactory conclusion to a wonderful meal.

Photos of guests reactions to the courses are available for purchase at the gift shop upon your departure.

Following the meal, should you wish to enjoy the hospitality of the Palace a little longer, entertainment will be provided by the delightfully barbaric Thuggee cult. Marvel as they perform a human sacrifice to the Hindi god Kali (who never asked for a sacrifice since that's not really her thing).

Watch in amazement as the Head Priest of the Thuggee literally reaches into a man's chest and pulls out his still-beating heart.

Which will then burst into fire! The pyrotechnic team put a lot of effort on that one.

Furthermore, among the many facilities available at the Pankot Palace is the always thrilling mine cart ride, which is sure to set a few hearts thumping, if not a-flaming.

Pankot Palace accepts no responsibility for any injury sustained on the ride while being chased by the Thuggee cult.
Patrons with heart conditions or who are pregnant may not permitted on the ride due to health concerns.

Once the mine cart ride is over, you can enjoy the tranquil and scenic walk across the rope bridge that transverses the gorge.

Although old and rickety, the bridge routinely passes its safety inspections.

In addition to the beautiful natural sights before you, the river below is bursting with wild life, most notably crocodiles.

Don't mind the screams. It's only feeding time.

Fear not about the Thuggee cult if they are still pursuing you and shooting arrows in your general direction, the British Indian Army will come at the last moment to save you and show those heathens what for.

You can tell that these are good Indians because they are wearing blue and have guns. The bad ones wear red and have bows.
The blue ones also have a white guy in charge, because racism.

We at the Pankot Palace really hope you decided to come to our establishment and enjoy the most authentic Indian experience in India, lacking any of that boring 'real' Indian culture but instead bursting to the seams with adventure, shock value, and cultural indifference.

Bookings available now!


Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom Wikipedia entry

Kali Wikipedia entry

Indiana Jones Wiki Dinner Scene

Shashi Tadoor on Temple of Doom and its problematic depiction of Indian culture

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